Drugs to make the Olympics a Spectator Sport

Will bog snorkelling make it to Rio? I hope so. I can’t imagine the Brazillians entering a team but apparently snorkelling in freezing cold peat bogs is big in Wales and it’s about time the Welsh got to be known for something other than that old sex bomb Tom Jones. I’d cheer for them.

If the equivalent of aquatic Morris Dancing; synchronized swimming, counts I don’t see why bog snorkelling can’t also be an Olympic sport. At least it wouldn’t affront Yuksel Aytug – the columnist who was so deeply offended by the ruination of women’s bodies at the Olympics that he managed to insult almost every female athlete that made it to the games. “Their breasts” he ranted, “the symbol of womanhood, motherhood – flattened into stubs as if they were seen as hinderances to speed.” He advocated a scoring system based on giving extra points to female athletes who were ‘traditionally attractive.’ I agree with him – but only if the Olympic committee allows a male cheer-leading team who scores for attraction rather than prowess. They can cheer the women weight-lifters and that way spectators won’t die of boredom in the stadium.

Does anyone really care if the stick with the tyres at the end gets lifted? Does anyone’s soul soar?

I feel I need to take drugs to make this a spectator sport.

The cheer-leading idea would only work as long as North Korea didn’t enter. If there were a nation the equivalent of a ballet mother on steroids – it would have to be North Korea. Or Naughty, as opposed to Nice, Korea as stated in an Australian medal league table. Funny. But deeply inappropriate. The editor of that newspaper will be sent to the Naughty Seat of some North Korean labour camp where all the athletes who lose get sent. It seems that any kind of loss may precipitate an Olympic meltdown in the North Korean political elite which could lead to Kim Jong Un pushing the nuclear button just to make sure that no one ever found out.

Luckily Om Yun Chol the weight-lifter has saved us all from obliteration. If there were medals for hyperbole and ridiculous claims the North Koreans would make a clean sweep. The dead but obviously very Great Leader helped him to victory from the grave, which is pretty impressive even considering he played 24 holes in one when he was only a foetus. He even managed to be the Chinese badminton teams’ style icon for hairdos which just goes to show how inspiring he truly was. As for that scandal where the Chinese and Korean girls tried to throw a game so they’d get more favourable opponents in the following rounds; that wasn’t bad. That was brilliant. They’ve spent the last 10 years of their young lives being told that winning by any means is everything and then they get thwarted at the last minute by the western girl guides of sport getting all prissy with their clip boards.

In order for me to upgrade my olympic response from ‘that’s fairly interesting’ to ‘That’s seriously Impressive’ the Olympics will need a revamp.

What we really need to do is get away from being so uptight about the whole doping issue. That way we don’t need to guess if the women still qualify as women based on the fact that they’ve sprouted new bits and the whole world can go for broke on free-style drug taking. Lets just see how fast everyone can go and bugger the consequences. I say this because deep down I can’t wait to see, with the help of the syncronized swimmers make-up team; an androgynous drug fuelled sparkling bog snorkelling NZ Olympic champion in Rio.

I start my training tomorrow.

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