I love boys

I love boys. They’re so damn… easy.

Take the boobs on bikes parade down Queen Street. Where there are boobs there will be boys – they will show up and buy any product you throw at them while they are transfixed by breasts (unless of course we’re talking gay boys but then they don’t count because you can hold a conversation with a gay boy and know that they will never look at your tits.)

The protest and the parade in Auckland today.
Pictures: AFP Sydney Morning Herald Online 20/08/2008

I’m surprised the annual boat show hasn’t clicked on to this idea - we could have ‘Boobs on Boats’ and ‘Hooters on Scooters’ where have the marketing boys been all this time?

What I don’t get is what is OK about showing the mammary glands of some mad Mum from Christchurch that is not Ok about some gay boy’s torso. The fashion flair and fun of the now banned Hero Parade is far more festive than the rather dull display of women with labia implants and projectile boosies astride a bike. And yet, as I write this sarcastically, I can hear a sigh of ‘that sounds so great’ from most of the straight blokes I know.

Personally I’m pretty scared by some of Steve Crowe’s show ponies. Drag queens are more subtle about their appendages; those aren’t breasts, they’re architectural devices designed, not to attract attention, but to go out and attack if blokes aren’t looking hard enough.

I have one thing to say to Steve. And that is: “Show us you whanger.”

Yes. It’s time to Free Willy. I’m about to launch my new venture ‘Willys on Wheels’ down the main street of Whangarei and I would like him to feature, although we may have to work on his look.

Is it de rigueur for a porn king to look like a penis trussed up in a performance enhancing black condom?

The parade will feature boys with paper bags over their heads in fetching costumes arranged around their appendages. I’m thinking …. Floats! The local florist could have a floral arrangement on her bloke and we could get the polytech to design a Kiwiana section with Pukeko Plonkers and Buzzy Bee Balls. It could be so good for the community. The only problem being; only blokes will show up. Women may want to be objectified if they are porn stars but basically we’re not hard wired for ogling.

Asking a twenty year old porn star with the critical thinking skills to rival Sponge bob, how she feels about the industry is hardly adding to the debate.

Saying that it’s fine for kids to watch some free, police escorted boob advertising for a porn-fest because kids are breastfed is, well, classic Steve Crowe. It’s not about freedom of expression. It’s not about the boobs. It’s not even about a bit of adult erotica.

Porn isn’t sexy because there is no charm in it, in the same way that the pokies aren’t entertainment because there’s no fun in it. It’s all; up, down, in, out, money in, put it out…as Kevin Ireland puts it in his poem entitled ‘Porn’, ‘it’s all too much of a hard grind’.

I know all the arguments; it’s a well paid job with great career prospects until at least the age of 23. The carnal carnage that is left behind in the demand that porn feeds has been documented well enough. I hope the Women’s Centre and other groups had some success in marching ahead of the boobs as they handed out their information sheets. I suspect however, that more blokes would have listened if they’d taken their tops off first.

If Steve is allowed to hawk his seedy wares in any way he likes then bring back the Hero Parade. At least it had style.

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