A List of Utter Pointlessness

A few centuries ago a Japanese courtesan made a list of ‘Hateful Things’ in her ‘pillow book’. One of the things that particularly annoyed her was ‘a dog barking in the afternoon.’

Sitting down to write something of social and political import, the psycho leaf blower guy went past and so a revised list of the pointless and vexatious was born. Here it is;

  1. Leaf Blowers. The suburban equivalent of jet-skis. Other cultures venerate falling leaves and write poems about them. We wreck entire autumn afternoons by pointlessly blowing them into oblivion. Season of tiffs and unmellow fruitlessness. Bring back public stoning.

  2. The Bolivian Navy. C’mon. You don’t have a sea. What do you do all day? Canoe round the lake on reed rafts?

  3. Right wing Jewish nationalists – I mean how can those two go together? Was it a case of; if you can’t beat them, join them? Most skinheads hate everyone including the Jewish community. Just because you’re Jewish doesn’t make it ok to be a racist dickhead. Sorry. But it’s true. Oh and while I’m on that – for my friends… just because you’re gay does not mean you are talented.

  4. Organic Coke. There are some concepts that are completely and utterly pointless. This is one of them. Like Organic Feedlots or Organic Cage Eggs.

  5. North Korean journalists.

  6. North American journalists.

  7. Trim milk hot chocolates. I know. Go figure.

  8. Parent teacher interviews. It’s like bad sex… it goes on and on yet both sides feel it would be bad form to be the first to just bail out.

  9. The Kawakawa toilets. They’re toilets, and no, they are not world famous. We just pretend they are because they are a paltry compensation for the fact that Hunderwasser actually offered to develop the whole of the Town Basin while he was still above ground and the Whangarei Council said no.

  10. The Labour Candidate for Northland. Any candidate other than a National party one in Northland. Why don’t they just shoot themselves before every election so at least it will kill all pointless hope from the outset.

  11. Gourmet pet food commercials. Yoga classes for dogs. Handbags for dogs. They are dogs. They lick their own butts. They will never grow up or go to university. Get a grip.

  12. Che Guevara. He’s dead. The revolution never happened. Latin America is still the playground for the CIA and is still a basket case. Get a new t-shirt.

  13. The Pope talking about sex. He might be right in that halting Aids may be more complicated than crop dusting developing nations with condoms but old white guys in robes just don’t get good press these days. Would his PR people please tell him to leave the condoms issue alone?

  14. Laundry powder ‘concentrates’. Now you get to pay twice as many dollars for half as much product. Yay! Thanks marketing gurus.

  15. Natural remedy anti conventional medicine advocates who say your child will grow two heads if you give them fluoride but don’t stick around when you end up having to take your pre-schooler for injections and fillings because they’ve got a mouth full of cavities despite the no fizzy drink policy and the endless brushing.

  16. Duct tape for John Banks. You just know he’ll gnaw through it.

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